Which part of life am I living now? What role am I playing? It feels I belong nowhere.
Because of my illness I’m not working for years now and lost myself searching for a new destination. A new purpose in my existence. I always felt I had a great future ahead of me, I worked hard to grow as a human being, learning the lessons of life. And than, at ones, my illness returned and everything I worked for was gone. Dreams disappeared like snow for the sun. At ones, I had to make new dreams, new future.
But how do you do that, knowing the only thing you are sure of is the pain returning every day. Tiredness doing nothing. Just because your body is exhausted fighting the disease.
Even though my husband, my brother and a lot of friends are telling me I have so much to offer… Even though people I meet are saying I am an inspiration… It doesn’t feel like that to me. And that… and nothing else… is what matters to me now. I dream of being healthy and that dream is an illusion I can’t let go of…
Believing in the future is important to every one of us. People who are ill and fighting just to survive an other day, they are fighting the sun against the snow. Sun will shine anyway… no matter what they do.
I am happy to have a man by my site, who I adore. To have no money problems. I am happy to live my life….
But how do I accept who I am, knowing I could be someone else without my disease…?